How exciting is that? What's happened over the last twenty weeks? Well....I went on a road trip from Washington State to Georgia. It was fun, but I think it'd have been better with Andrea and/or Shannon. I really felt pushed on the back burner. We only did stuff in the cities Allie wanted to do stuff in--except we did go to the beach in San Franciso. It was terribly smoggy and cold. But other than that, all I saw was Nasville & Las Vegas. I was thinking about going back to Vegas for my 21st, but I'm re-debating that now. We shall see. Ummm....

I missed GOTJ this year. Again. Evidently. I told my dad we're going next year, but he says taking off in August is a bitch. But he promised to take me to GOTJ if my mom passed away so he better figure something out.

At some point, I'll actually get to meet Shannon. We're flying her down here. That'll be pretty exciting. 
            I found an old friend that I've been looking for for years today. It really sucks because I kinda always thought we'd at least date. We talked in high school then I dated a douche then by the time I was out of that relationship the guy had fallen in love with another girl. Then he packed up and went to Arizona. Said bye. And every now and then would e-mail. But I hadn't gotten an e-mail in a long ass time.So I started looking for him on facebook and myspace. He came up as I was writing my autobio today so I typed his name in the search box of facebook and his profile pops up. I find out he's now married with a baby. I really hope he's happy, but man did I feel really strange. Then I started wondering what it'll be like when my guy friends and guy enemies get married...let's say for instance, one day I find out eric's married. uhhhhhh......wtf do I do then? It feels surreal knowing that Jack is married especially when I've been trying to find him all these years. It's like a movie where the girl walks in after the couple has said their vows and it's too late. I know that means it just wasn't meant to be. But it doesn't make it any less strange. I've tried talking to this  guys sister, I saw his mom a few times, I tried e-mail and it would come back. Hopefully we can still be good friends. I guess I should say we were just kind of aquaintances. But this guy has a way of touching everyone's life he knows. If you met him, you'd understand. He's amazing. He had some issues in the past, but haven't we all? So it goes, I s'pose. 
On a better note, I've seen Andrea a little bit lately which is good because once Fall starts and Dragon Con is over, I'll probably never see her. )= It sucks. but we'll get through it. We always do. I'm trying to update my autobio obviously, and it's being a lot bigger of a pain in the ass than I thought it would be. Apparently we're moving stuff to the other house this weekend, but there's a hannah montana marathon on Sunday so Dad will be moving by himself then. lol 
I am really tired of the call center. I'd like to get out more. I can't apply for a real job because I'm six months short of two years office experience. And I can't apply for the supervisor position in the call center because we're on a hiring freeze  and human resources sucks. I just wanna move up. I'm getting so jaded. I can tell by the way I talk to people on the phone. I don't mean to be a bitch, but really--do they have to be that stupid? A change of sceneray would do me excellent good. Le sigh. Oh welll. I guess I'll be stuck in the call center until Andrea decides to leave. Then I'll decide to leave, I imagine. I'm pretty tired, but I probably won't be able to get to sleep, but I'm gonna try anyway. Kinda.


On a better 

This story really happened…kind of. Some facts aren’t facts at all while others are, but regardless…I remember it. No, this story does not have a happy Americanized ending, but get over it—the characters did.

 

This story is about alcohol, sex, friendship, a light saber, a sex toy, life, bridges, education, a girl named Sali, a boy named Cire, and memories.

 

(After reading Sali’s first short story)

 

Cire: Sali & Cire? Those are the worst name changes ever.

Sali: I LIKE THEM.

 

 

Dec. 2005.

 

Christmas morning Sali walks outside and on her porch is a present with her name on it. She unravels it with a smile on her face—a green light saber! This instrument will guide her through life and teach her to love surprises, but there is no from tag so she doesn’t know who to thank. However, Sali cherishes this toy, next to her family, more than anything on Christmas day.

 

*FLASH FORWARD*

 

Sali and Cire are best friends. She’s really into him, but it’s not mutual. They hang out a good bit—sometimes they talk, sometimes they say nothing. For the most part, they make each other happy.

 

*FLASH BACK*

 

January 2007 (In a Ford Escort)

Sali: Can I hold your hand?

Cire: (smirks) sure.

Friendship can be so comforting. Don’t ask why Sali wanted to hold his hand. Touching him proved he was real.

 

*FLASH FORWARD* 2007

 

Cire: I’ve been thinking about our friendship a lot lately and wondering if things would be different if I never let my old friend give you that note, but I’ve decided I’m happy we have this friendship Sali and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Sali: (smiles)

The content of the note is not important, but it hurt Sali and Cire later apologized.

 

 

 

 

*FLASH BACK* 2006 (after a night of partying, Cire has a hangover)

 

Cire: SALI! Where are my keys?

Sali: I don’t know.

Cire: I put them in your bag with all my other stuff.

Sali: I don’t fucking have them.

Cire: What are you going to do—just leave me here?

Sali: Of course not.

 

 

*FLASH BACK* 2005

(Cire is driving Sali’s car)

 

Cire: You left your emergency break on (continues driving)

Sali: (gets back in driving seat): Why didn’t you put it down?

 

*FLASH FORWARD* 2007

 

Sali: … (Talking about a guy she’s talking to) He called me a ho!

Cire: I don’t want you talking to him anymore, okay? You don’t deserve that.

Sali: He was just kidding.

Cire: You can do better.

 

*FLASH BACK* 2006

(Weezer Concert)

 

Sali: Just hold my hand so I don’t lose you in the crowd, I’m not hitting on you.

Cire: (grabs Sali’s hand as tight as he can)

 

*FLASH BACK* 2005

 

(Going down the road in a truck, Cire’s holding Sali’s purse out of the window.)

 

Sali: I fucking hate you!

Cire: (inched purse out a little further)…oh, what?

Sali: I said I love you!!!

Sali’s friend: NO SHE DOESN’T.

Cire: (gives purse back).

Sali: That’s what I thought, bitch.

 

*FLASH FORWARD* 2007

 

Cire: Oh yeah! What now, bitch? Oh I’m sorry—Sali.

Sali: yeah…

 

 

*FLASH FORWARD* 2007

 

Cire hurts Sali by engaging in intercourse with a girl that didn’t love him and that was a mistake. Instead of forgiving, Sali tells his secret and even publicists it from the other party’s point of view. This is where their friendship seems to end.

 

 

*FLASH BACK* June 1, 2006

 After a long night of alcohol:

 

Cire: You mean the world to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you Sali. I owe you so much.

Sali: No you really don’t.

 

*FLASH FORWARD* 2007.

 

Cire: You’re going to be a teacher and influence people’s lives. I wish I could do something like that, but I’m just going to build bridges.

(Words thought, but never spoken): Sali: Your bridges mean more than you think.

 

*FLASH BACK* 2007.

 

A friend of Sali’s family dies.

(Calls Cire)

Cire’s Roommate: Hello.

Sali: Is Cire there?

Roommate: No.

Sali: Thanks.

 

*FLASH BACK* September 2006

 

Sali: (talking about her recent breakup with the ex) He was just so controlling, and he always told me I was wrong—even when I agreed with him.

Cire: Why didn’t you tell me then? I would have kicked his ass or something.

Sali: (smiles)

 

*FLASH BACK* May 2006

(At a Graduation Party)

 

Sali’s Friends: We got you a blow up light saber and a dildo. Improvise. The big light sabers are like $100.00.

 

 

 

 

 

*FLASH FORWARD*

 

January 1, 2007: MOST EMOTIONAL/SEXUAL DAY OF CIRE & SALI. But they slept in until 4 p.m. and Sali stayed in bed next to Cire watching cartoons when she woke up. Later, he calls it all a mistake, but she called it maturation.

 

February 2007

 

Sali throws her improvised dildo away because she can no longer lubricate after the aforementioned night.

 

*FLASH BACK* 2006.

 

Sali: Can I come over?

Cire: Yeah, but don’t expect anything.  (They sit in silence for over an hour)

 

*FLASH FORWARD* August 2007

 

Sali & her ex make out in an apartment parking lot.

Sali tells her friends: It was good, I even got turned on. (This is the first time she feels anything pleasing from a guy since New Years).

 

 *FLASH BACK* June/July 2007

 

Sali drinks a few glasses of Captain Morgan, Jack Daniels, etc. Her last drink was a straight juice glass of Jack Daniel’s and the Captain, and the idiot chugged it.

 

Sali (to ex): Where the fuck is Cire?

Ex: At his school.

Sali: Is he okay?

Ex: Yes.

Sali: Where the fuck is he? I need him.

Ex: He doesn’t want you.

Sali: I know (Cries?!? So she’s told)

And allegedly, Sali tries to leave the apartment barefooted in a bra and mini skirt to find Cire, but she doesn’t remember.

 

*FLASH BACK* 2004—January.

(Speech Class)

 

Sali: Ewww! Get your nasty feet off my desk!

Cire: What are you going to do?

Sali: (Hocks a “luggie” for pure imitation purposes….and Cire moves his feet).

 

 

 

*FLASH FORWARD* October 2006.

 

Sali: Your friend says you act different around me.

Cire: I act different around everyone.

Sali: Oh.

Cire: But I think I’m more myself around you.

 

*FLASH FORWARD* January 1, 2007

(Cire’s been drinking)

 

On front porch of Sali’s house,

Cire: There’s a sniper! Don’t worry Sali, I’ll protect you!

(Covers Sali’s face with his hand)

 

 Later that night….

(They’re in bed with their bare upper bodies pressed against each other, making out, doing the things people like to do when they’re intoxicated):

 

Sali: I love you.

Cire: I love you too.

….Later,

Sali: I love you.

(Silence)

Sali: Can you at least lie to me and say you love me?

Cire: 1) it’s not a lie. 2) I already spoke that truth.

 

*FLASH BACK*

August 2007.

 

Ex & Sali are making out in the parking lot and he yells at her to say his name and look him in the eyes because he knows she’s thinking of someone else.

 

*FLASH BACK* April 11, 2007.

 

Email from Cire to Sali: GD you crazy fucking bitch. Don’t ever contact me again.

 

*FLASH BACK* January 2007.

 

Sali: If my mom dies, you’ll be here right?

Cire: Of course, I’ll always be here.

 

Later in January: Sali gives Cire a short story of their history together.

Sali: Can I let other people read this?

Cire: NO!  You made me out to be a total asshole.

 

 

June 2006.

(On the phone)

 

Cire: God! I’m the one that left that light saber on your porch. I wasn’t going to tell you about it for like 20 years. Now I’ll have to think of something else to do.

Sali: We won’t be friends in 20 years.

Cire: Why?

Sali: I…don’t…know, do you honestly think we will?

Cire: yes.

 

 

ALWAYS

 

Cire (to Sali): Never give up on your dreams. Promise me that, okay?

Sali: Okay.

 

 

 

Sali abandoned Cire after his big mistake, and their friendship ended because of it. They stopped trusting each other, and she stopped trusting everyone, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that at one point in time, these two individuals actually had a friendship—that encountered hard times, and survived a lot, but in the end the friendship didn’t really survive. However, there’s still memory. And memories are what life’s worth living for. Maybe one day they’ll at least be at peace, and maybe one day they won’t. Either way, they affected each other significantly in life. Sali wants him to know she’s still here for him and always will be.

 

*FLASH FORWARD*

 

 Cire & Sali are friends again. Maybe not to the same extent and maybe not as trusting, but they are at least speaking.

 

October 2007

 

Sali & Cire are at a party and somehow she manages to get to his apartment.

 

Sali: Kiss me Cire.

Cire: No Sali…

Sali: come on, you want to.

Cire: I have a girlfriend, what if you were dating someone, what if you were dating me?

Sali: I’d never do that to you.

…conversation continues like this for hours and finally

Cire: I can’t fight it anymore.

So they kiss.

 

Sali: Does it feel right?

Cire: What are you asking if that poem I read 4 years ago suddenly makes sense and the unanswerable questions finally have answers?

Sali: No.

 

Later…

Sali: Does it feel right?

Cire: Yeah.

Sali: You’re my best friend.

Cire: you’re my best friend too.

 

*Flash forward*

 

Cire: I just can’t believe you wouldn’t think of the other people involved. That was so selfish. Maybe I didn’t want to be with her, but I do care about her.

 

Sali: lies in bed for two days crying because she lost her best friend…and for real this time.

 

 

((and I didn’t write anything after that because I want this story to have a HAPPY ending))

I’ve dated a handful of guys in my life. Luckily for them, none of them have had the ability to turn me into a lesbian although the thought has occurred more than once. I’m going to give a recap of the reasons I am not in a relationship and haven’t been in nearly three years.

 

Reason One. Criss.

 

I rode the school bus with Criss for a few years until somehow when I must have been much dumber; we ended up exchanging numbers and eventually dating. Our phone conversations lasted for hours on end, yet reflecting back, we never talked about anything.

 

“Man I really need some cigarettes.”

“Criss, you really shouldn’t be as addicted as such a young age,” I insisted being the judgmental girlfriend at the ripe age of fourteen.

 

Our final conversation:

“She gave me fifty dollars to go out with her so yeah I cheated on you.”

“That’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve heard so far. Oh and by the way, I’m breaking up with you.”

 

 

Reason Two. Coyotis.

 

Coyotis also had the ability to make me life. We could never find anything we had in common until one day he remarked

 

“You have to brush your teeth in little circles so you can remove all the plague.”

“I brush my teeth in circles too. We do have SOMETHING in common.”

 

We continued on in pointless conversation like this for months on end. Eventually, I told him “you know— you’re seventeen. You really need a job.” And he complied. Little did I know that behind the scenes of Piggly Wiggly my best friend from grade school would be giving him blowjobs. After we broke up, I realized that he probably returned the favor for Francis then kissed me. Being disgusted, I rejected him when he wanted to give our relationship another go.

 

“I was stupid. Do you want to get back together” he inquired.

“No. What’s the honest point so you can fuck around on me some more?”

 

Reason Three. Zach.

 

Zach was a genius, going to IT Tech, rich, and had eyes only for me. Oh yeah, and Zach was a liar. One day my mother insisted he was cheating on me. I called him and casually said

“Baby where are you?”

“At my cousin Josh’s.”

“Okay. You’re coming over later right?”

“Yeah.”

 

My mom and I drove three miles down to road to over-look a grassy hill where another former best friend of mine lived. Her name was Celeste. Her house was white decorated with flowers, she has a paved driveway and in that driveway, three cars were parked. One hers, one her mothers, and one Zach’s. So I call one more time

 

“Baby you said you’re at Josh’s right?”

“Yeah.”

“Eh, I know you’re not. So come get your shit from my house.”

 

Later, Zach parallel parks in front of my house to find his clothes, paintings, and other treasures he had let me borrow or gave me in my front yard scattered out like pieces of a broken puzzle. In the passenger seat is Celeste herself. I have the urge to break the window and punch her in the face numerous times, but I refrain.

 

I simply remark to Zach “It’s over. I fucking hate you.”

 

Reason 4. Corey.

 

He’s a nice guy with an intelligent mind frame if you listen to him talk for a night or two. But listen to him talk for nights on end and his instability kicks in. I quickly realized Corey is a pile of cosmic waste who claims he’s everything and reality is he believes nothing and is nothing.

 

“I’m an introvert Lisa. I’m also an extrovert. I’m an existentialist and a narcissist. I hate life and I’m too smart for my own good.”

 

It sounds like music to my ears until I analyze it and realize EVERYTHING Corey says is a contradiction. I call it off as soon as I figure this out.

 

Reason five. Eric.

 

One New Years night I lay in bed sound asleep. Eric knocks on my window, drunk and looking to get laid “LISAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.” I go outside to his rescue.

 

“What are you doing?” I casually laugh.

“I wanted to see you, but now I’m going to walk to Timmy’s.”

“No you’re not. That’s like a two mile walk. You’re drunk and underage. Let me tell mom you’re staying the night.”

“No Lisa, I can’t take your bed.”

“I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep okay?”

 

Somewhere in this wait, his lips fall on mine as I embrace his pale neck. His goatee rubs my chin as our tongues slid into and out of one another’s mouth.

 

His hand slides up my shirt and removes it for me. Later, my shorts.

We end up with all removed but our under garments and whisper “I love you” to one another.

 

Then the inevitable moment of weakness happens.

 

We lie side by side and Eric looks to the ceiling with his arm under my waist

 

“If I lost my virginity to you, I’d be okay with that. I’ve never cared about being married or whatever as long as it’s someone I really care for.”

 

“I really care for you too Eric, but I don’t think we’re ready.”

 

Two months later, Eric gives away his virginity.

The movie 300 came into theaters and Eric, a few of his friends from high school, lets call them Jack, Susie, Tom, and Kelly, along with new friends that do not actually affect the story much went to see the movie.

After the movie, they all go to a guy that lives down the road from Steven's house, which neither character affects this story in any way except for it's their homes the party takes place at.

The group goes to a small party, mostly because they all want to smoke weed, except for Kelly, who claims that is not why she goes, she just wants to drink, although by the end of the night, she has tried weed once or twice herself.

Eric leaves for two hours before he smokes or drinks.
He goes to Wal-Mart to get food, and when he returns everyone is already drunk and high, messed up, out of their minds, floating on their little clouds, etc.

When Eric returns, Kelly is sitting in a bean bag and he insists they must share it because that’s where he was sitting before he left. Which means he wants to be close to her, something he always does at parties, gets close to whatever girl he thinks he can have after a few drinks and then he says "oh, it was a mistake," and blames it on the alcohol.

 Eric holds Kelly about the waist in a beanbag chair. He is now drunk and high himself asking her "do you want me?" "Do you wanna do it?" And she doesn't respond. He asks "Yes or no Kelly?" And she merely responds "okay."

He pulls her legs around him and she lies flat, and he's the one in control.

It takes him a minute to get going.

There is not a spark there, there is no romance there, and while he's going in and out of her, she calls him Kaden, which is the guy that used to be Eric's best friend, and the boy Kelly loved dearly, although it was never really mutual. Evidently, she doesn't love Eric.

After they finish, Kelly and Eric fall asleep, and when she wakes up in the morning she thinks "what a strange dream." Then she looks to the side of her and sees her thong and jeans, and knows it is not a dream. She has to take Susie home; her jacket is under Eric, so she leaves it there. She's still disorientated in the morning, and she feels extremely dirty, which is by no means how sex should actually feel. She returns home and takes a shower.

 

I later figure out Eric would have fucked a doughnut if it promised to make him ejaculate. I feel betrayed. Thoughts run through my mind: What’s wrong with me? Why not me? He came to me first didn’t he? Because he cared? Then I realize. No. He came to me first because he knew I was in love with him, not because he was in love with me. Eric was the final reason I knew I would rather be a successful lonely cat lady than attempt a relationship until I’m thirty or so.

I'm on new meds. and seeing a couselor at my school.
I was seeing two but the guy is a saucy sour tart.

my  hair's pink.

 i plan to go to snow mountain with barbie this weekend.

And ummm I guess that's it in reality.

I'm still slightly depressed, but trying to get on the right track.
 

My mother passed away last Thursday. She was very restless, like she was on Wednesday (she kept trying to take her catheder out, fidgeting, couldn't get comfortable, etc). And my grandmother said she whispered a prayer to God asking her to take mom, and she turned around to sit on the love seat, and mom quit moving. She was not sure if she had fallen asleep or passed on.  She thought the latter so she had to call my older sister to come check. Mom went with her eyes still half way open and a wicked joker smile. <3 

We were at work. Dad im'd me and said "We have to go. NOW." I replied "k, what's wrong?" When he didn't answer, I packed my stuff in a fit of hurry, and told everyone I had to leave--I didn't know why, but I had to go. And they accepted that. I got there and saw my mom. It hadn't sank it, and it still didn't. I sat on the bed next to her as much as I could. I tried to talk to her, but people kept coming in. I kept apologizing because I knew in my heart I should have stayed Wednesday night, and I didn't.  When the hearse came, my little cousins broke down crying. As did my uncle. Mom went on his birthday. It still didn't sink in. We went to the wake and so many people came. They weren't people trying to make things up to her for doing her wrong, but rather people who were touched by her life. There were so many. All but 2-3 people from the Financial Aid Office came to the wake. I know I give them all a hard time, but I really love them. They brought us so much food and were there for me and dad. I know that's not proper grammar, but that's the order I felt it went in. Moving along, some people from ITS came as well :) they came for dad and me. Krista seemed to handle it a lot better than I thought although when she found out, she fell to her knees and started crying in the front yard of her ex boyfriends house (they're still good friends and she rides to school with them every day. She had forgotten her key.) We all huddled together into  a giant ball and sat there with our arms wrapped around each other for comfort. It probably wasn't very long, but it did feel like forever. 

Before they took my mom's body away, my "godmother" came up to me and said "this is my little girl now." I wanted to slap her so bad right then, but in honor of my mom I kept my cool. She continued doing that throughout the entire process. And the night of the wake, she pulled me away to tell me how she's suicidal and was so worried about me because I wasn't leaving the side of the casket. It pissed me off. I mean, it's the last time I'll ever see my mom's face and she's pulling me away to tell me about her problems? I wouldn't mind if maybe she called once or twice in a while, but I haven't seen this woman in years. It was ridiculous. Then she tells me "I like this color so much more than the green." I don't like that woman AT ALL. 

Another person that was devasted over my mom's death took her full bottle of medicine off my grandmother's counter, didn't admit to it, and then cried and cried and cried at the funeral.

Another woman had her ex husband call to ask us about mom's medicine. It all goes down the drain, but she had written my mom a two page email a few months ago asking her for the medicien when she died. Selfish bitch, and NOT in the good way.

My aunt who had cussed my mom out for always talking about being sick and dying, got money from someone, and kept it for herself. She decided to go to the mountains for a night and come back the next day. I'm pretty sure that money was to be put toward the funeral or in place of flowers. 

My family's dropped a lot of  people after mom's passing. I claim very few of them now. :) My best friend was amazing the whole time, and even Eric showed up and was civil and called when he said he would. We talked for a while, but I was very proud of myself for not letting my guard down to him. That may not sound like a big deal, but it really is. I don't think we'll ever be the same again especially now that mom's gone, but I'm somehow okay with that. 

To those who have expressed their sympathy, I appreciate you and your good will. It means a lot.  

It's not really a surprise that my mom went, but I can't say I was ready for it either. I miss her already. But I know it's better than having to sit around and watch her suffer like we did for years upon years. And whether you believe in Heaven or not, I know it if exists my mom is one of the few people who I can honestly say made it there and she has a giant mansion with an unlimited supply of Dr. Pepper and tons of people she's missed over the years all up there with her. 

I'm going to keep writing my book, keep going to school, keep living my life, and somehow or another adjust to my new one. That's what I want to do and I'm sure that's what she would want me to do. 

Original.

So throughout the Internet, the more social networking profiles I
read, the more people seem to be EXACTLY the same. And to narrow that
down, especially the girls. Girls think happy little inspirational
quotes can describe EXACTLY how they feel about themselves. They then
claim to be different and funny thing is so is everyone else. Examples:


 

Again, this is ridiculous.

If I ever venture out into the dating world again:

1. I wanna be the girl that he loans his books to for reviews.

2. When he cuddles next to me, he better have some intelligent
conversation to come up behind him. Cuddling is SUPER
uncomfortable--there's always an arm falling asleep or a neck creaking,
but whatever. I'd much prefer to sit on a couch with hot chocolate and
speak intelligently. But girls are so mundane in general they think
:cuddling and sitting in silence is love:. That's true, sometimes. But
not when that's all you long to do. When that's the case, you're just
pathetic.

3.If a guy comes up behind me, he better make it known that he's there
or I'm likely to turn around to knock a mutha fucka out...without an
apology. Don't sneak up on girls with anxiety problems.

4. EVERY GUY KNOWN TO MAN CAN TELL A GIRL SHE'S BEAUTIFUL. If that's
all a girl wants to hear, she needs to get a friggin' talking mirror
and have it say "you look beautiful today," but not be in a
relationship. Many times when things go wrong, I recall guys saying "do
you want me to tell you you're pretty?" My response is often "I know
that so why waste your breathe?" I long for a guy that can tell me
something different without all the fancy lace and ribbon talk. Tell me
something I didn't know yesterday. Introduce me to a new yet amazing
band. Tell me about an author I've never read and how she/he gets
inside your mind. Do something DIFFERENT to prove our chemistry is
balanced and you're not just like everyone else.



But girls wanna be so different that they're all alike. It's like emo
culture or Stephanie Meyer. It's a fuckin' trend. Grab a backbone,
learn who YOU are, not who everyone else is or wants you to be, and
grow up. :)





Lisa facts:

1. I'm the bitch burning your pictures--no lie.

2.I'd rather talk than cuddle.

3. I work part time as an at home nurse...for FREE.

4. I like to stand out, by things I say and what I wear. I don't like dull moments.

5.Intellectual moments mean more to me than play dates.

6. Water is one of my favorite things to drink, to bathe in, to swim in, etc.

7. I'm a juggalette in the fact that I believe in acceptance, but an objectivist in the fact that I'm selective.

8. I can count my number of friends on my hand, and won't lie to you and tell you you are one if I don't think so.

9. I like to jog until I get to a swing. Then I like to soar.

10. I read writing handbooks when I'm not even in school so I can improve my writing.

11. I've NEVER once been in love, and don't plan on being in it anytime soon.

12. People in general make me sick.

13. One day a guy called my work to tell me his son had passed. I felt
more sympathy for him than I did for anyone that lost their
home,family, etc. in Hurricane Katrina b/c I believe the people that
stayed there to be nothing other than looters. Natural disasters rarely
disappoint me.

14. I only claim maybe a forth of my family.

15. I love vintage clothes and pin up girls. Modern day erotica makes
me sick b/c the girls have little to no respect for themselves.

16. I'm obsessed with the 3 of hearts.

17. I try to find meaning behind paintings, short stories, and poems.

18. I'm writing a novel that I won't finish by this month, sadly.

19. I hate clutter with a passion.

20. I go days barely eating then days eating everything. It's not healthy, but it's how my system works.

21. I don't like most movies. B rated movies are my favorites not
because of the bad special effects but rather because they have a
different plot line than most movie plots.

22. I like to learn about voodoo and other cultural/religious ideas.

23. I tell stories by photography. If you'll ever see them is a different story.

24. I make fun of music even I listen to, but don't support. And I can
make fun of juggalo family, but if someone outside of the family does,
I'll get pissed.

25. I don't let anyone in my life unless they prove themselves to me.
If they do so, then screw up to prove my original thesis about them was
correct, I scratch them off my list. ONE person has done this without
being totally scratched off in 19+ years.

Well Kelli and Gabriel are coming to stay with us because the NAVY told them that Brandon would be making more money than he is. It's got it's positives: 
Kelli can save her $$ by staying with us
I'll be able to spend time with my babies <3

And it's negatives:
I'll never have time to myself now. >..< Good thing I enjoyed this weekend, huh?

Eric is seriously  a bitter word on my tongue. He told me if I wrote about things with him then he'd never be in my life. I told him I wouldn't but I swear I would never forgive him.  He's the reason I didn't do as amazing at cross country as I could have. Seriously, I should have been able to attend college completely free. But him and that stupid bitch Meagen put me in a bad spot and instead of getting angry, I got super depressed. He's apologized for that. I've forgiven him. He has yet to apologize for not coming to be with me when I tried to commit suicide in March or for the stupid lack of being a friend, treating me like shit when Kelsey was around, etc. It's so frustrating. The good thing about it--I realized I never loved him. I thought I did, seriously. I just can't love someone that can't be logical or hardworking, you know? I deserve better. :) I am better. He could have been, and he almost was. In the words of Devil Doll "Throw away your dreams  & I'll keep mine & when I think of you, you'll make me cry--you'll always make me cry." 

Moving along, have I mentioned my best friend kicks more ass than yours? <3 I went to my dad's office to talk to him, started crying, and we went for a walk. On our walk,from far away--I saw some pink haired mongoose standing above the ground I was walking on. Tell me that's not a sign? <3 


I think you should know GOD IS BIGGER THAN THE BOOGIE MAN. lol. <333. 

After Friday, I'll be out of medical debt. 
Then I just pay off my Short Term Loan.
Xmas.
Then yay :) Money free worries. lol. Oh it sounds like much more than it is, I hope. 

=] 







 

Shit sucks, mucho lately.
Let's recap:
I spend so much fucking time in a cluttered apartment sleeping on a couch that smells like spoiled milk, I have no time to sleep at home with my cats.
When I do get a minute away from Kelli's--I go see my mom who is just going straight down hill.
I miss Eric. I shouldn't, and I know that. But with the whole Trace incident of "I don't like you now," and lack of Barbie, I get supa' lonely. I know Andrea has school and stuff. It just seems weird not talking to her. I don't know. She's my favorite person and then again I feel like I'm  doing something wrong. I don't know if it's spending too much time with Kelli or what. It really confuses/upsets me. 
I have absolutely no time for myself. I'm terrifyingly sick--in the most disgusting of ways. There's a little drummer boy pounding on my head. I keep getting cramps.

This morning on the way to work I just started crying--for no reason. And I couldn't stop. It didn't matter what kind of music I listened to or what I thought about, it was just there--a mild panic attack for nothing. I'm so scared. And fucking lonely. I know Kelli's near and like ALL the time, and I love her--truly. It's just so hard right now. I want to help in any way I can. I hate clutter. I miss my bed. I have no space to myself at her house. I don't know how I'm going to handle next semester. I'm seriously debating on getting her daycare for xmas. I know we planned Dragoncon and everything but I don't know if I'll really be able to readily do Dragon Con. I want to go, much much. And I keep fucking up monetarily. Like, this month--I wrote everything down, right? No. I missed something and fucking did the epic fail of OD again. Ughhhhhhhhh. And Andrea and I are suppose to go see a muppets thing this weekend but then again--idk ): we haven't really talked about it.

Then in addition to that, I had to drive myself from home to work this morning, forgot food/to get money, and am fucking starvng. Urgh. I just wanna go to sleep. 

I'm not happy right now.  


 

 ugh.
i just had a terrible hair dye disaster. 
My hair is not taking bleach or blond dye at all. Sigh.
Except for a little spot in the front.
So now I look like a crack head.
Le sigh. 
And I've a million and one places to be and people to see today.
And I'm tired of fucking with it.
oh well, I suppose.
Looks aren't all that important.

I need to get on it.

Hello 5 a.m. runs & nightly workouts. I have GOT to lose some of this bulge I've seemed to find:

This is how my stomach should & used to look.


The only problem is ....I own very little neon/light clothing, and I love sleep. It's up to me to get my shiz together, I reckon.

& this is what I look now ): && I'm not happy with it at all. My stomach is killin' me. Urgh.
my love handles used to not have so much love. Sigh. I don't wanna be stick thin, but I'd be happy losing 20-40ish pounds. ):

So since I've actually saved some $$ from my last check I went ahead & got myself a Halloween costume:

:) It will look much more kick ass on me. I ordered some nuclear red hair dye as well--so :D woo hoo?! lol.
I'm feeling a bit better today though I still need to get some rest so I stayed home.
I went to court for my speeding ticket && I was told if I was pleading not guilty, which I am, I have to come back next month. Ugh. So they first pushed the court date back then second tell me I gotta come back another day. Woo friggin' hoo. I just want the stupid thing to go away.
I guess that's it. Not much more to blabber about.

We really take it for granted sometimes, don't we?

like worrying. I worry constantly lately. About how I'm so irresponsible, and how I can no longer truly communicate with my mother. I worry that I'll never be out of debt, that I'm gaining too much weight, that maybe I will be single until I'm 40 and by then be too old to enjoy the fresh feelings of first dates and laughter between two souls. I worry that I won't get better, and that my next check is going to be so much smaller than the last. I worry that mom's not dying quick enough, and then that she's dying too fast.  I worry--all the friggin' time---and mainly because I haven't taken my pills in a week or so. Every form of cold medicine I pick up says it counteracts with depression medicine so I wanna get better and not waste medicine. I worry that I'll never get to finishing that story, that I'll never get out of debt, that I'll never buy the things I really want. I worry that thirty bucks on concert tickets was too much to spend.  I worry about spending, and yet I still want new exciting things.
Then I remember the lyric from a song "worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.:"
I went to the doctor today. I'm going to get better. I want to run, fix dad's bike,  pay off my medical bills, which I only have 2 or 3 left to pay? And my dad--who I think I attempt to pay off by helping out with whatever I can whenever I can.
I kinda keep going over on text messages....but there are these two people and I love the hear from them, talk to them, etc. so I'll just pay the overages at the end of the month. 
Christmas is fast approaching and I don't want to be in debt at the end of the year so I'm going to try my damnest to save money and pay off this friggin' gigantic bill & then the other two or so not so gigantic bills. Then I'll help Krista go to NY and I'll buy presents.
Come Spring time and I won't have any money because I can work maybe 5 hours a week. Sigh.
Frustrating, eh?
I'm thinking of dropping my British Lit class and just taking up the dance class, but then that would be three days of the week I'd have to stay at Kelli's and I don't want her getting sick of me ): so I don't know what the hell to do. Besides, I wanted to the Krafton. He's inspired me so much already through other people. :) 
Moving on, maybe I'll just take three classes next semester. I don't want to overdo anything. Then I'll take a full full load in the summer? Who knows. Or maybe I won't go summer at all. Maybe I don't give a damn about being the first to graduate anymore. Maybe I love school, but there's so much more to life.
Right now, I've a darling kitten sitting in my lap cleaning himself....and I'm going to eat a popsicle and go read some more. Hopefully, dad will be home soon to go get our medicine and I'll start feeling better.
Maybe I can go to work tomorrow.  Just maybe. I need to work.
I've court on Friday ):.
Wish me luck!

Oh and for crushes, last night--the boy called :3 and it probably made me laugh more than it should because I was going  to start the whole "I'm ignoring you" process so that I can get out of this stupid crush stage && right as  I decided that, he called. I don't know to take that as a sign or a test? How strong can one be? What am I supposed to? See, these are more things I don't know the answers to.

I think I'll work on getting well, getting out of debt, and losing weight. Those are things I wanna do for me.

And no worries Andrea--I'll be fine and I still wanna go see Igor with you! Because I haven't actually got to hang out with you in forever ): 

Whatever. I feel retarded but it's probably for the better. We talked about it & things like that. Now of course, I'm nearly positive we won't hang out for a minute just because things may be weird.  But oh well, I've my friends :). I wrote about Saturday though, vaguely. lol.



( YES )

I'm effin' excited.
I feel sorta bad b/c I've yet to purchase our Wicked tickets. Sigh. I'm just trying to converse money in light of my friends situation. She has a two month old baby & her bf is fixing to go into the service. She was just gonna stay at her apartment one more month and then stay with relatives and/or us while her boyfriend is in training. However, someone hacked into her bank account the other day & we're all pretty sure it was her roommates. They overdrafted her THREE times & they had went to Mcdonald's twice and gotten gas. Well, the roommates had McDonald's on the same days && a few days prior, one guy came in and picked the locks to two other rooms right in front of my friend's face. Well, she doesn't want to stay there anymore. They've stolen her food before and she doesn't feel safe. Her uncle had said that she could stay with him and then the next day said she couldn't. Everyone keeps telling her that her and the baby can stay, but the boyfriend can't and the beau isn't leaving until November D=. My dad has the same stiuplations. Then on top of that, her sister doesn't have a job and can't pay a phone bill and her mom complains about having no money yet they both went and got tattoos the other day. And her mom won't offer to let her stay with her. It's wretched, really. D= I wish I could do more.

Sigh. So that's why I've not yet purchased my Wicked, freezepop, Cobra Starship, or GWAR tickets. It's la sad. I was going to go see Cruxshadows, but I downloaded some of their music and it really all sounds the same to me. I get bored easily with it.

My newest kitty, Num Nums, is sick and it's my fault. He's an upper respiratory infection and they say it's more likely for cats who haven't gotten their shots yet to get it. Another thing I've put on hold in light of  current situations. Let's see...I've to give him infant vitamins that smell like CRAP. I tried benadryl but kitty allergies are different than people allergies and it makes him foam at the mouth and he hates it. He's barely been eating lately, which is also unusual. It's la sad.

To be a hypocrite, I did spend some money today on make-up because Rite Aid was having a buy one get one free and I really needed mascara. In addition, I keep seeing fake eyelashes in the spirit of Halloween and I love love love them so I finally gave in and got some today. They're green and match my hair <3 my sister says they're ugly hah she would.

And now Hannah Montana is on so I must depart...

I'm sitting here in a sports bra and sweats with num nums resting in my lap. He's mesmorized by my hands so he gets stuck watching me type. lol.Even though I'm sweaty and disgusting, I feel good. I just got back from a 1.5 mile jog, without stopping, and I feel accomplished. Dad loaned me the money to invest in some headphones so I could go jogging with a soundtrack because I get so easily discouraged without the vibrational boom of music in my ear lobes as I jog. Within two weeks, I'm pretty sure I'll be back up to three miles. And within a month, possibly five? I'm not sure, but it'll be fun.

The fair's in town. I'm suppose to be taking my sister and her latest boyfriend, if we ever hear from him.
I asked Andrea to go but I'm pretty sure the racist cracker is going to turn me down because she's afraid of gypsies. That's cool, I guess. D= but I may die on the inside without her. I could ask Kimie, but things seem so strange with us...it's complicated. Movin' on

Babies are absolutely adorable during the day when you're playing with them, but they wake up throughout the night lol, and I can wait on that particular task a long time, if not forever. I've really a lot of respect for moms. :)  I can see how much Kelli loves Gabriel by watching her play with him and just sitting there and staring at him and smiling the way I used to my first love. :) It's absolutely astonishing. Speaking of first loves, my best friend has an anonymous secret admirer =o. She's lucky unless he turns out to be a psycho stalker, I think it's so cute! 

I guess I'll go take a shower now that I've cooled down from the run and num nums has finally gotten comfortable. XD 

:)